Are you lonely?

I’ve always really liked people. But like many people, elementary school was not a happy time for me. Through a number of traumatic experiences, I felt rejected by my peers and very lonely. I entered grade seven an awkward teenager, very insecure, and with the belief that unless I somehow convinced others of my worth, they would reject me.

It was then that I started attending the youth group here at Holy Redeemer. It was a “game changer” for me, because here I found a community that accepted me with all my idiosyncrasies. Here I experienced people living out God’s love for me. The youth group also introduced me to a longing deeper than acceptance from others: what Pope Benedict called our faith’s authentic point of reference: “friendship with Jesus”.

During nights of Praise and Worship, I’d see my peers have intense emotional reactions to the love of God. I wondered why I didn’t experience these, and longed for God to show me that he cared for me personally.

I eventually attended a Catholic conference with so many people that they rented big circus tents to hold us all. One night, we had Eucharistic adoration, and the priest carried the host in a monstrance all around this huge tent. It was like Jesus was coming to visit each one of us. I was overcome with a sense of wonder and awe at God’s majesty. I finally had an experience like I had seen in my peers.

As I continued on to university and eventually into a professional job, I made closer friendships. I was surprised to find that it didn’t seem to matter how close I was to my friends, this loneliness in my heart wouldn’t go away.

My experiences with the Eucharist had led me to take great consolation in the Mass and receiving the Eucharist, knowing Jesus was close to me in a literal way. The quiet, almost hidden nature of my relationship with Jesus became the bedrock of my life. It brought me great peace. At the same time, my day-to-day life continued to be dogged by loneliness.

About ten years ago, this loneliness became very palpable to me, and a friend gave me a book by Catherine Doherty called “In the Footprints of Loneliness.” As I made my way through the book, I found it spoke to me so deeply that I began transcribing passages from it into a journal. By the time I was done, I think I must have copied half the book! For the first time in my life, I felt a true closeness to God.

Catherine Doherty claimed that Jesus was the loneliest man on Earth; that in his human nature, he understood our loneliness; and that we can be united to him in our own loneliness. She pointed out that on the cross, Jesus was nailed to the front, but the back was left empty. She said that we can choose to be nailed to that other side of the cross, to enter into Jesus’ passion - into his loneliness - and in doing so, find the deepest friendship possible.

As I meditated upon these words, I didn’t stop feeling the pain of my own loneliness, but I did feel at the same time a deep peace and acceptance of it. In fact, I felt a solidarity with Jesus that was comforting. Strangely, this loneliness became a friend to me, because it was the key to intimacy with Jesus.

Day-to-day, my relationship with God still can feel distant. But I’ve learned of two places where I can count on God to meet me: first, reliably always at Mass, in the Eucharist, and second, in my loneliness, because God wants to meet me in my suffering, in my loneliness.

I want to leave you with this question: Is there a place of suffering in your life where Jesus wants to meet you?